


ctrl

by kitsukis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Canon Compliant, Cheating, Childhood Friends, M/M, No Smut, Pining, Pining Iwaizumi Hajime, SO SO SAD, Sad, Sad Ending, doing this instead of editing bye, implied smut though, it's very back and forth here, iwaizumi just wants to be loved, lol this is bad i haven't written in years, matsuhana best friends tho, oikawa has commitment issues, oikawa is frustrating im sorry, oikawa is in love with iwa but he is very bad at committing lol, uh mattsun and makki are dating, very small fluff but its like a smidge like it happens once in a blue moon, well idk im not good <3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:40:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsukis/pseuds/kitsukis
Summary: "Issei, I can't do this anymore."-- in which hajime is deeply in love with tooru, but is sick of questioning his loyaltybased off of ctrl by sza
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	1. supermodel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! this is my first fic in a while but a rlly good friend of mines (hi angela) inspired me to go through with it haha... anyways angst!! this is meant to be sad so if u like that shit enjoy hehe

“Issei, I can’t do this anymore. He keeps cheating on me over and over,” Hajime sighs.

“Listen, I love you both, I do, but you need to do what’s best for you. I don’t care if he’s my friend or not, you need to stop this shit. You being in hopeless love with him doesn’t excuse the fact he’s cheating on you,” Issei says, and Hajime can hear the tired expression he makes through the phone 

“Okay, but we live together. What am I gonna do about that? I don’t have a place to st-,” 

Issei cut’s him off, “Don’t use that as an excuse now. You can stay with me and Hiro if anything. Stop putting up with Oikawa’s bull.” 

“How would I even tell him, I can’t just be like, ‘yeah I’m leaving you cuz you keep on cheating on me with other guys and it really hurts,’ to his face,” Iwaizumi argues. 

“Hajime, you keep on making excuses even though you _know_ you can’t deal with it anymore. Suck it up and write him a letter or something, there are always ways around stuff, stop trying to dodge it already. Honestly, I’m sick of hearing you pine over someone who isn’t worth your time or happiness. If you don’t write a damn letter, I’m doing it myself and signing it with your name,” Matsukawa says. 

Iwaizumi goes silent. Catching Oikawa with a new guy every week in their shared bed-- the bed they shared their first I love you’s, the bed they shared their first time in, the bed they cried in everytime Oikawa lost a game. It doesn’t matter what they did in it though, it was the fact that a new guy was in their bed. That that guy was not _him_. Just yesterday, it was Kuroo Tetsurou, the other week, Miya Atsumu, and the week before Semi Eita. Iwaizumi hates being in love with him, he hates wanting to give his heart to him, because Oikawa doesn’t seem to want to give his to Hajime. 

The morning after, it’s always Oikawa saying, “Listen, I’m sorry, it was a one time thing, I won’t do it again,” and Hajime was always stupid enough to trust him. 

“Hello, earth to Hajime, Hajime? Iwaizumi Hajime,” Matsukawa hums, “Iwa-chan!” 

Iwaizumi’s ears shot up, “Yeah? Sorry I was zoning out, just thinking.”

“I hope you’re thinking of writing that letter, cuz soon enough you’re gonna end up hurting yourself even more than I think you already have. I have to go to work. Do something about this and do it now,” Matsukawa finishes as he hangs up, leaving Iwaizumi breathing shallowly on the other end of the line. 

He stays sitting down for a while, hands in his face, trying to wake himself up from what he hopes is a nightmare. He sighs, “I can’t do this anymore,” while trying to bite back the tears that are about to come out of his eyes. 

A few moments later, he gets up from his seat, legs shaking and trudging to him and Oikawa’s room. _He doesn’t know if he can call it their room anymore_ , he thinks as he walks in. 

He grabs a paper on his desk and a pen and hits his head against the table. How will he even begin to start this? 

_Tooru,_ he starts. His hands wobble as he writes down everything.

He signs the letter off and scrummages through his desk drawers to find an envelope. After reading it again one last time, he folds the letter up into an uneven square and he slips it into the envelope, sealing it with his tongue. He leaves the letter on his desk, and looks at the time on his phone. _Oikawa doesn’t come home for another 3 hours._

He gets up and lugs out his suitcase, packing in whatever can fit in there, his clothes, whatever is _his_ and just his. He doesn’t let anything that Oikawa gave him go in there. He doesn’t let anything with memories of them go in. Photos, clothes, jewelry, nothing. 

He picks up the stack of clothes on his bed and brings it down to his suitcase, a photo flying out from between the clothes. A photostrip of them on their first date.

Hajime looks at it with dark eyes, remembering exactly what happened. 

_“Iwa-chan! C’mon! There’s a photobooth over there, let’s take a picture,” Oikawa laughs, as he drags Iwaizumi by the wrist. He was so so in love with him._

_The close they get, the bigger the smile on Oikawa’s face gets, and Hajime thinks, That’s what I want to be able to wake up to, be able to see everyday and despite what the stoic and slight annoyed look face he had on said, he truly would not want to be anywhere else._

_Oikawa shoves him into the photobooth and slips 500 yen inside the machine. He lets Oikawa pick silly filters and pose how he wants. Hajime just smiles, staring at Oikawa, while he holds up peace sighs and lets his tongue stick out._

_Before the timer gets to one, Iwaizumi leans towards Oikawa’s cheeks, and Oikawa yelps in surprise and Iwaizumi presses a tender kiss to his cheek as the timer dings._

Staring at the photo again, he gets up again and puts it behind a book on his desk and continues packing up whatever he can manage, trying to forget the memories that gave him hope. 

As he finished packing up, he checks around their shared apartment-- rather Oikawa’s apartment-- before picking up his phone and dialing Matsukawa, letting him know he’s gonna need to stay with him for a while. Matsukawa ends with a, “Finally,” before hanging up on him. 

He places his suitcase and box by his door and walks back to his old room, backpack slung on one shoulder. He takes the letter on his desk, staring at it for a bit, before picking it up. 

_The last thing I will hopefully ever get to say to you,_ he thinks, placing it on Oikawa’s bed. 

\---

A few hours later, Oikawa comes home, jamming the keys into the lock, before finally getting the door open. 

“Iwa-chan! I’m home! I brought back some cheesecake!” he announces, walking in, expecting a response but is met with silence. 

After a few seconds, he calls out Hajime’s name again, but still nothing. He searches the apartment, feeling something’s off. It feels emptier than usual, but Oikawa pays no mind-- Iwa’s probably getting dinner or picking up groceries he thinks as he puts the cheesecake in the fridge. 

He cleans up the kitchen, uses the bathroom, and organizes everything from the pillows they picked out together, to the remotes on the table, making it nice for Iwaizumi before he comes home. 

It wasn’t until he finally got to his room half an hour later to take a short nap, when he sees the letter on his bed with a messily written, _Oikawa_ on it. He picks up the letter and gently rips it open, met with a sea of words beneath his eyes. 

_Tooru,_

_I’m really not the type to say this kind of stuff and be upfront with things. I’m kind of brute and oblivious to things but yeah, you get the point. Anyways, I don’t know how to put this. I really don’t because I love you. I love you so much. But I’m writing this letter to let you know I’m really leaving, and no, I’m not keeping your shit. I know you’ve been fucking around with people. You think I wouldn’t notice Semi sneaking out? I also didn’t forget about me catching you with Miya’s lips on your neck and you saw me catch you. You saw me drop my shit and just storm out. Don’t forget yesterday, I caught you sleeping with Kuroo right in our bed. You two were just sleeping together when I got home and I just saw him with his arms around you. That’s supposed to be me there. You tell me over and over that you won’t do this again, you beg me to stay, you promise me that it’ll be the last time, and my ass is so infatuated with you that I can’t control myself and I stay. Am I not good enough for you? Am I not there for you enough? As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been here since we were four. I know you Oikawa, that’s why I love you. What were all these dates for? All the I love you’s? Even though we were dating, it felt as if I knew nothing about you. It isn’t the same anymore. I’m leaving no matter how much I need you. I need you so bad, that’s why I’m leaving. This temporary love shit is not working for me. I don’t know why you do this stuff and I can’t wait around for you to get over whatever this is. So we’re done. I left my key on the desk and no matter how much I want to, I can’t comeback. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and making me happy for these past few months._

_Hajime_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. love galore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i haven't written in 3 months i've been busy with school and it has not been pretty mental health wise. this is gonna be so slow in updating im sorry <3

Iwaizumi was driving to Matsukawa’s, his mind racing, contemplating whether he really should’ve done this or not. His hands on the wheel are shaking as he pulls into the parking lot of Matsukawa’s apartment complex. He sent a quick text to Hanamaki, letting him that he was coming up, but Hanamaki was already down there, waiting for Iwaizumi to come. Makki give him a slight smile, a trace of empathy lingering behind it. 

Iwaizumi slowly comes out of his car, attempting to return the smile, but his distant eyes gave everything away. 

He turns around and opens his trunk, getting everything out, as Hanamaki slowly comes up to him and give him a pat on the shoulder, “You doing okay?” 

Iwaizumi sighs and turns around. He gives Makki that look, that sort of tells him everything, and he knows not to push anymore. 

Makki just grabs his suitcase and brings it up the stairs. When they both arrive at the door, he throws Iwaizumi a set of keys and a soft chuckle comes out, and Makki’s just glad he saw a smile. 

“Okay, your room is the door on the left, Issei and I are across, so if anything happens in the middle of the night, just knock really loud and one of us will maybe hear. Maybe.” he jokes. 

“I’ll make sure to hit on the door with a hammer then” he jokes back. _Pretending that everything is okay might work_ , he thinks to himself. 

He sets his stuff on his bed, trying to get comfortable. _It’s been a long day_. He starts to close his eyes for a minute, trying to settle any emotions that are bubbling inside of him. 

His phone suddenly rings as soon as his brain starts to shut down, making him jolt up. _Unknown number._ The ringtone plays over and over and he knows that it can’t be him because he blocked him. He cut him off as much as he could, but sometimes he doesn’t think things through. 

That applies to the moment he decides to pick up the phone, when the all-too-familiar voice rings through his ear, memories and thoughts all coming back, somehow resonating more in his head. 

“Hajime.” he says, “Come back.” Those three words, in his ever so sweet voice that Iwaizumi just can’t seem to let go of. But he’s trying to cover it all up. For himself. 

“Listen, I blocked you for a reason. I know it wasn’t ideal, this whole breaking up with a letter thing and personally, I’m surprised that you called me after all of the things I said, but Oikawa,” Iwaizumi hears him tense up on the other end, “How else am I supposed to get through to you? I’ve tried everything.” 

He’s sick of it. Sick of him, sick of chasing, sick of playing around. He takes the phone off his ear, about to press end, cutting him off again and blocking that number too. But his heart knows better.

“Hajime, wait please. Don’t leave me. I need you, please I’m sorry,” Oikawa pleads, and he knows he’s weak for him. His head doesn’t know how to think straight once his voice plays over and over in his head. 

“I promise. I will go to wherever you are to convince you that I will change, and this is the last time you ever have to do this, that we ever have to have this argument. Just, please give me one last chance,” he cries. 

Iwaizumi sighs. “Fine, I’ll give you a chance to plead your case, I’ll go and meet you back at your place.” 

Oikawa beams, “You mean our place right? You’re coming back after all.” Iwaizumi doesn’t want to give him any satisfaction yet, and who can blame him, really? 

“I’ll see you at your place in 10.” He hangs up promptly, grabs his keys, and let’s Makki know that he forgot something at his old place, and rushes out before he could stop him. 

-

Iwaizumi drives fast, faster than he should, the desperation that he’s been hiding underneath front starting to show again. He arrives there within 20 minutes, and unconsciously starts running up the stairs. He knocks softly at the door, and it opens within seconds. 

“Hi Hajime. I missed you,” Oikawa greets him, with hope on his face. 

Oh, how someone can fall in love multiple times with someone who has treated him so unfairly. _That’s what love is though,_ he thinks.

“Listen, Oikawa. I’m here to listen to you but I can’t promise _us_ happening again. I don’t think I want to go through everything you put me through,” he says. 

Oikawa grabs his hand softly, the warmth filling Iwaizumi’s heart, straying him more and more away from that front he’s trying to put up. The look in Oikawa’s eyes pierces right through him, like they just saw each other for the first time, and that’s when he knows he’s still in his trap. 

“I read the letter you know, and I didn’t know you had such fine penmanship,” Oikawa chuckles, while tracing his hand up and down Iwaizumi’s arms, “Like _infatuated_ and stuff, what big and fancy words, although your personality still shines through. Just like with everything else you do and that’s what I love about you.” 

Iwaizumi gives him a blank look, but underneath, he just wants to push him on their bed and hold Oikawa in his arms until they fall asleep, just like they used to. Funny how little he needs to say to make him obsessed with him again. 

However, instead of saying that, he just nods slightly, “Ah yeah. I’ve never written a letter before so I just tried my best with it, you know.” 

Oikawa leads Hajime inside and they both stand there for a bit, before sitting on the couch awkwardly, the space between them a bit too close for comfort. 

“You know, Iwa-chan, I come home, with food, and imagine my surprise when I see a letter sitting right there on my bed when I come into our room. I was shocked to read it. Did I really hook up with that much people?” he tries to joke, but the look that Iwaizumi flashes is far from amused. 

“Okay, you don’t have to give me that look. I just. I didn’t know how much it hurt you. I picked it up, thinking it was just you trying something new or something and you were practicing it on me, so dumb of me to think, you know? But I read it, and I cried. I cried over a letter. I didn’t know how much I hurt you, truly. I know what I did was not right, I know that if it were anyone else, they wouldn’t give me anymore chances.” 

Oikawa flashes another one of those grins that makes Iwaizumi remember how much he really loves him, “But, you know I can see right through you. I know you best. I know that you want to stay. Please stay. I know I fucked up. I always fuck up honestly,” he jokes, “But I love you. You know I love you with more than anything, despite all my mistakes.” 

_I can’t fall back. I can’t fall back in and get hurt again._

“I’ll convince you to stay. Give me a week trial. You don’t have to come back just yet. Please Haji, please.” Oikawa says as he presses his forehead to Iwaizumi. 

_He won’t hold up to his promise, he won’t I just know he won’t. He won’t and I’ll get heartbroken again, and I’ll have to go through the same circle over and over. That’s who he is. Him and his empty promises._

Iwaizumi pulls Oikawa in for a kiss. 

  
“Well, as long as we got love,” Iwaizumi sighs. 


End file.
